Words Left Unsaid

Dear Grandmother, 

It will be 3 years since you left us. Yet it feels, just like yesterday, I saw your smile for one last time. I still don’t know how I am carrying on without you here. But I do. I just do. I’m still hurting so much. No one knows this but me. I put on a smile and just carry on moving forward. 
I feel like there are so many things left unsaid. I wish I could have time with you again. To tell you all of the things I should have told you sooner rather than now. 

So here they are…

There were so many things I didn’t get to say to you. There’s things I regret ever saying to you. I regret hurting you the way I did sometimes. There are things I still wanted to give to you. Places I wanted to take you to. I still needed to make you proud of me for accomplishing some of the many things I yet plan to do in my life. 

You were my best friend. My everything wrapped into one magnificent human being. You taught me how to be kind, forgiving, loving, nice, happy – everything instilled in you, you instilled in me – raising me into this person I am today.  To this day, I am so thankful that you raised me to be the person I am. You were my natural born teacher. You taught me so many things, from how to cook, how to clean, how to make a house a home. You treated me with so much love, that I wish I could feel right now. 

I didn’t say thank you enough for the things you did and sacrificed for me. You went out on a limb for me. You did everything you could to make sure I was happy. What I didn’t know is that, how life, by its very definition. Could be so lonely and unhappy without you in it. 

I treasure your hugs more now than I ever did before. Because I would do anything, absolutely anything, to feel your embrace. To hear you tell me the words “I love you.” And know in my heart, that you love me without second guessing it. 

Whenever I used to visit, I would walk through the door and say “Hello gran.” Give you a hug and a kiss, and sit on my phone. I wish I didn’t do that. I should have spoken to you more than I did. About anything I could find to talk about. I miss the sound of your voice. I still hear it echo through my mind like it was yesterday, when I told you I loved you for the very last time. And you smiled and said, “I love you too.”

I kind of knew you were dying. But I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to even imagine my world without you. Because what a lonely world that would be. And it is. Oh it is. I wake up every morning, hoping that I am dreaming. That I will wake up, give you a call and hear your voice. It’s a pity they don’t have cell phones in heaven, because I would spend the rest of my life talking to you. 

You were the person that gave me joy. Gave me hope that anything is possible. Gave me enough love to fill a stadium. You were my everything and more. 

I wish I was sitting next to you right now, telling you all of this. Telling you how much I love and appreciate you for everything you are. But here I am, typing this to you, with hope that you are reading it while peering over my shoulder and smiling and just giving me a ghost hug. 

I love you more than you will ever know. I would say thank you. But the words thank you don’t even come close to how thankful I am, that I was blessed to have a grandmother like you in my life. 

I love you. 
And I will spend the rest of my life missing you. 
Until we meet again.

Love Always,

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